Well after calling around to several organizations such as Council on Aging,  the place medical supply company we had originally got the bed through (and they went out of business a month ago), a Medical Supplies for Christ organization and Medwish (they didn’t do pick ups and we didn’t have a local drop off center), I decided to use Free Cycle.  As I posted the ad, waiting for mod approval, that felt like eternity.  I just wanted it to be snap, up and done you know?  It was just so hard.

I had some reply once it was posted, wow you know the questions I was being asked, I mean its not BRAND New, gently used Hospital bed, what more could I tell them?  No its not those fancy ones the new hospitals have, but it was an electric bed, handrails and handles (cranks) at foot of bed and head of the bed.  One lady asked for a picture so I sent one.  I still had the bed made, I never stripped it.  But apparently she could “never use that style”.   I was getting annoyed and frustrated.  OH I wanted a newer one.

Finally I got a reply, it was short simple not a million questions,  it was we need one and have been looking for over a year for one.  He could pick it up today (that was yesterday).  I set the time so it would be that hubby would be home and I wasn’t here alone.

Finally about 1/2 hour before he was due to come (well maybe 45 minutes), I grabbed a plastic bag and down the hall I went.  I kept the top blanket, but not keeping the sheets.  They were ripping, you know the fitted one and I kept repairing them, the bed mattress wasn’t like a regular twin, it was longer because of dad’s height and I couldn’t find new sheets to fit.  Dad liked flannels.  Kept him warmer.  The top blanket has a deer on it and keeping that.  Doubt I will use it but for now going to keep it.  Maybe my son would like it?  We shall see.  Has a deer scene on it, its pretty worn though over the years like faded.

I stripped the bed, wiped the mattress down with lysol cleansing wipes (has a protector cover ya know waterproof) and took off the bed frame and started to take the bed apart.  I removed the control, the plug in for plugging into an outlet, then lowered it all the way down height wise by turning the handle, took my vacuum and cleaned the frame and by then hubby came home.

So hubby came home, knock at door, get this, turns out it was someone who worked where hubby did.  Seriously my hubby couldn’t believe it when he opened the door.  So they took the bed apart (easier than we thought) and loaded it up.  He said they been looking for over a year and is very appreciative.  I am glad its going to a home where it was needed.

We had to go see dad and he kept complaining about the pillows so thin there so I took his pillows with me.  I managed to stay strong, visit with dad and come home.  Then I fell apart.  The room, empty.  May sound weird but even when I was a single mom I never had an empty room in my home.  Twelve years dad has been with us.  I know he is where he has to be I fought hard to get him this help but its hard.

So this “huge weight” that was suppose to like be lifted off my shoulders?  Well I don’t feel that.  Folks told me I would but I don’t.  My heart breaks.  Today is just going to be an emotional day.

Hubby ready to move forward,  is getting a treadmill thingee and he has talked years about wanting something like that.  So the room will have that, the TV and the dresser will go back in (its not very wide or big at all seriously.    I wasn’t ready.  I felt pushed/rushed.  He has waited a long time and something he wanted and I totally understand and get that.  He say if your not ready, but then he just keep talking about it so I mean what was I to do but to do it.  It needed done.

I suspect if tables were turned and it was his mom he would feel like I do right now, I guess whether I did it this month or a month from now it would be just as hard as it is now.

So okay magical weight, you can go away now, you know that on my shoulders feeling I was promised be lifted…..

Hubby has been asking when would I want to do my dads room. Since November I have kept the door closed to his room, just haven’t been ready to sort and pack things away.  I have slowly been taking his clothes, and small things like his watch, or other items he asked for like his after shave, lotion, stuff like that.  When we went to visit dad today we took 16 more of the movies over, which leaves just about 10 more to take.  We had to pick up some totes which we did after they guys bowled today.  While I didn’t want the only reason we were at Target to be just to get those totes, it ended up that way because of an issue with my son.  I was already feeling over whelmed and as soon as we put the totes in the cart,  hubby was like we don’t need anything else but these right.  I felt rushed, I just sat for most of my afternoon watching them bowl with my stepson, I just didn’t wanna just get totes and go.  It was difficult (even hubby arguing how many I needed, I knew three he said only two, but I went with three so even that felt challenging).

We came home, I took the totes and went down the hall and headed into dads room and started sorting and packing things into the totes.  Things that one keeps that are treasures to them, really tells the story.  It brought back so many memories.  That was just the hardest thing ever for me.  I cried the entire time.

He had pictures with my ex torn out of them so he could keep it.  One was just me, and another me and the kids (wow my son was just weeks old in that picture).

The USN belt buckle (along with many others) that I bought him when I was in the Navy.

Remember those pen holders that went into shirt pockets?  My dad still had his and with the same pens he used when he use to work at the auto part store (and that has been many many years!)

I found cards, every card I ever gave to him he kept.

Those are just a few of the treasures he had tucked away.  I cried the entire time.  Yes it took all three of them!

It was the hardest thing today, packing those treasures up to be stored.  Its like, I know he is in the nursing facility, long term now, and that is home for him now, but this was just so very hard.  I just fumble at trying to explain these emotions.  But it like how I felt when I had to pack up my daughters things when it was time to let her go!

Sometimes expectations are not a good thing.  Like today I “expected” dad would of been a little excited or happy about finishing up his therapy and now able to participate in activities, like today they went to the mall.  He was out for about four hours total today.  I arranged it so he could sit at a table with his friends he use to meet there before things went downhill has quickly as they did.  When I walked in today carrying lots of goodies and dinner I just made for us at home, with a smile on my face asking how was your day he did nothing but complain

I set up a trust account for him for his activities and hubby and I pay for that out of pocket.  Today he didn’t even order something in the food court with the activity gals (they have to keep the money, they have an envelope for each patient and then they put the receipts and change in them), he waited until after 2:00 to order something and paid it himself (he has a little cash on him that I left for him to get a haircut but she cut it for free since was first time so he had cash).  But he complained he signed a paper and they didn’t even give him the money (the paper is letting them know what they have for him that they took out of the trust account)

Then he just kept complaining and complaining.  I showed him all the goodies we brought and he didn’t even say thank you   I went to the one area where the microwave was and heated up what I brought, and came back and set in front of him, he just sat there   So I got the fork and said here eat this while its hot.

I told him I tried to call him yesterday and he said “yeah I know”  Then in a few sentences later told me his friend called and he talked to him.  So he purposely didn’t answer the cell when I called   I make an appoint to make sure I try and talk to him every day in between days I don’t go to see him.  So I guess the best option is just let him call me?

So needless to say I am feeling bummed and disappointed.  I suspect its probably part of the adjusting to his new surrounding, I think he mad now that we are not coming up every other day anymore.  That was just too much and I wasn’t able to get any rest.  But more worn or just as worn out as when I was the one taking care of him.  Hubby wasn’t getting chance to just come home from work and just relax an evening without having to go back out.  He was starting to wear on him too, tiredness wise.

I thought Wednesday’s would be a good day, because he would of been out that day (its every Wed they go out) and he be in good spirits wanting to talk about his day.  Then we go again over the weekend, and always bring him something to eat when we come.

So I guess I need to just not have any expectations?  So as the tears are weld up in my eyes, I am trying to be strong.  But when I left tonight it was all I could do to keep it together.  Hubby said in the car on the way home, your quiet whats wrong, but he already knew.

In 2011 I had quite a few rounds with sinusitis and here I am again battling it.  Hubby had to take me to urgent care this past Sunday, as the drainage was so bad I could taste it, swollen glands and my ears were bothering me.  My right ear was red inside and the left ear was definitely infected.  They put me on Zithromax (called a z-pack), the first day I started with two then its one a day for 5 days, but keeps working up to 10 days.   The doctor at urgent care asked me if I was anemic as I am very pale.  I told her that I just had blood work done just before Christmas and my count wasn’t off or anything that I knew of.

Monday I slept until almost 11, yesterday up earlier, today was 10:30.  I feel so tired.  With getting dad settled in long term care, we were there like every other day.  Add that to things I had to do for him, picking up things, and such plus trying to take care of our normal stuff, and battling fatigue already, I think its just my body worn out.  We didn’t go yet since Saturday to see dad, because of going to urgent care, but have to go this evening.  I like to get to to just twice a week and hope dad will understand that, to possibly just once a week depending on hubby’s hours.  With being a one car family there is only one can do so much ya know.

I got a call Monday evening, from the long term care facility, to let me know that dad fell!  He was in the bathroom and fell, he could not get himself up so he called for an aide when he heard her nearby and she got him up.  This is exactly what I was worried would happen here at home, him continuing to have issues with falling.  They took him to see the vascular doctor Monday morning but I dunno any details, dad says nothing wrong with his legs yet they are seeing him again in April?  He had a paper they gave him and when the nurse at facility asked if they gave him anything he told them no, my Aunt happen to be there and he had already told her he had a paper, so she spook up and said what about the paper they gave you, he said oh that was just for him, not them and the nurse asked to see it, dad gave to them and they said oh we need this and made a copy.  So I hope to see it this evening.  That man is stubborn.

He doesn’t like the roommate he is sharing a room with.  I think its all part of still adjusting and if his roommate has TV up too loud that he just needs to call the nurse so they can turn it down.  The admin of the facility has dad on top list if a room opens to move him.  They told me pairing them up sometimes is the hardest part.

Today I have a roast in the oven for the guys.  First I have made one since November, when dad went missing!